My Saturday night was great. I went out and hung with friends – new and old. Enjoyed the music of Phony Ppl. Had a lot of laughs – which equal to tons of days of additional life or whatever that statistic says. But either way, my Saturday was great.
Alas, everyone else lives in Brooklyn while I live in bum ass Queens. So I took my miserable tight-clothes wearing self back to Queens with 10% battery left. Needless to say, I got home, charged my phone, played my Fantasia album and acted like I had little to no care in the world. I laid my ass down to sleep when suddenly Miss iPhone wanted some more attention than necessary…
The bitch ass charger acted a fucking fool.
Now y’all know I already don’t like Apple’s fuckboy ass to begin with…
So this ain’t nothing new. Provided the charger was on its last leg but the shit was still working before I left for Manhattan this morning. I don’t know why it wanted to get crazy with me tonight. But rest assure, I won’t be getting crazy with her no more. Fuck that bitch. She ain’t shit. Her booty stank.
But back to my regularly scheduled venting session…
So I decided that I’d try to bootleg the charger with tape or this pen coil shit I saw on Instagram.
That shit ain’t work.
So the next best option was to get a new charger. Now let’s see. I live on St. John’s University campus. The only thing I can get around here is a Bacon, Egg & Cheese from Double J’s and a dutch from 7-Eleven. How in the hell would I get a charger? The next best place would be Rite-Aid which stays open 24 hours. But that shit is approximately 1 mile away from campus. That’s a hell to the no walk in this type of 40 degree ass weather. Especially since I dress like a hooker on weekends.
But I called over there anyways. Had to get through the blockheaded automated machine. Talked to some chick with a hard accent.
“Hey, I was wondering if you guys had iPhone chargers.”
“Yes. iPhone chargers.”
“I’m not sure if we do.”
*Dramatic silence* “Well can you check?!”
*Hears her screaming to someone in the background*
Seconds turn to minutes…
“Well I see a lot of iPhone stuff but I don’t know if it’s the right one for you. You’d have to come down there and see.”
Why would I walk my fat ass down there only to be discouraged? That’s basically you forcing me to snatch your dry ass ponytail.
And since when have I been one to turn down a good old fashioned wig snatch?
Unlike Sweet Brown, I grabbed my damn shoes and walked out because I knew St. John’s had that cute little van shuttle that drove us close to different places around the area. It’d take mad long to get around but at least I wouldn’t have to run around like Smokey from Friday looking for a place to charge my phone.
So I get to the damn Rite-Aid, walk around for a minute hoping to spot the area – and yes, I spotted that bitch from a mile away when I walked in, looking a dusty fucking mess, dry ass ponytail in all, big ass bitch, didn’t even wanna get up off of her knees to help me BUT ANYWAY…
Once the store was clear of other customers, I asked somebody other than her to point me in the direction of the chargers.
“All we have is car chargers.”
“Well, that’s not what I heard.”
“Well what are you looking for? USB?”
“We no have that.”
At this point, I’m getting ready to blow up. And Ms. I Was In A Battle Between Grease and Dandruff & Guess Who Won? got her ass up.
“Oh you were the one who called? No! I remember seeing them.”
She waddled her behind over there and starts getting into a disagreement with the man about how she saw an iPhone charger and how the shit should work. They go back and forth. Meanwhile, I know it’s not there. I’m quite aware. And the more shit they pick up and try to convince each other that the shit exists.. the more I want to walk outside, grab a bat and go Monica “So Gone” on the whole fucking store.
“I feel like such an idiot. I’m sorry. I’m so dumb. I’m such a fool.” WELL I’M GLAD YOU KNOW BITCH. THAT’LL HELP ME SLEEP AT NIGHT!
I swear if she would have looked me in the eye I would have gone apeshit. But that damn shuttle stops running at 3am, and I ain’t about to beat no bitch ass and have to run home from the cops. Rule #495 – if thou shalt beat ass, make sure thou haveth getaway car.
I swerved her ass entirely, walked out cursing into the cold, walked through the stop lights with no fucks and waited for my ride. Because I knew that Jesus was on my side and if I stayed prayed up only miracles could happen.
As for Miss. My Edges Didn’t Die For This Struggle I know being that your Rite-Aid salary only affords you to have a Metro PCS flip phone, you don’t know what an iPhone charger looks like – but girl, karma is still after you. And you know I’m Creole too – it ain’t nothing to have your ass spinning around in mid air. Keep fucking with me. Ol’ bitch.